Done.

Okay every meaningful prayer and thought that I wrote in my Chemistry notebook during class this past week is on here now... Probably should go study for that exam on Monday.
Good night. :)

Romans 14 conviction.

Dear God,
Thank you for laying Romans 14 on my hear this past week.
You are trying to teach me peace. I see it. I feel it. And I am trying so hard to understand it.
I have got to gain a peace of mind, a peace of heart and be able to show that peace towards others.
I am one of the most stubborn fighters in this world. So kill my stubbornness. Kill my fight. Build me up with your peace. Don't let me be a stumbling block any more, Jesus. Let me be a person who "builds up." Let me be a helper and a lover of men. Teach me to "fish" the way you did and continue to do. Help me to STOP growing into a pharisee and instead water my roots with your everlasting water and grow me into a peace maker.. There are too many legalistic people in this world and I am one of the WORST.
SO CHANGE ME.
I am in the wrong.
I am a vile sinner.
Break my heart.
Unharden my soul.
Soften me to love.
Teach me love, joy, peace, patience,
AND PEACE.
God, I can't do this alone. I need your help.
-Kaylee

My plea.

Dear God,
I am dumb.
I make so many stupid little mistakes.
I say the wrong thing all the time.
I don't know when to keep my mouth shut or when to open it.
I can be too shy at times.
I don't know all the answers to the difficult questions life throws at me... I don't know any answers actually.
I let people down.
I am materialistic.
I am greedy.
I am pessimistic.
I am selfish.
I am flawed.

So Lord, please change my ways. Change my attitude. Change me into someone like you.

Love your baby girl,
Kaylee

Epiphany

It seems twisted and kind of makes you want to puke, but in a broken world broken things happen. You can't change the past and life isn't going to be perfect.

There will be ups and there will be a whole lot of downs. And guess what, baby girl? You WILL make mistakes. I'm sure you already have. And you'll probably hurt someone in the process. But you know what? They are going to hurt you too. It happens, because like life, you are NOT perfect. Your family isn't perfect. Your boyfriend isn't perfect. Your president isn't God, so he can't "fix" the country regardless of what he promises. Your dad has made a few mistakes himself. This is a world full of hopelessly lost and "mistake making" people.

We are human. I am human. You are human.

So where does that leave us? We're a world full of broken, vile beings. We can either sulk in bed every night about the situations we can't change, or cry all alone in the car while driving to Walmart in the middle of the night just because you can't stand sitting on your couch till two in the morning watching sitcoms that's sole purpose is to glorify men and women cheating on their spouse (the immoral television industry is going to be a whole other blog post that will be written shortly).....

But there is hope! There is no reason to sit back and sulk!

You can take a deep breath and pray to your heavenly Father about the things you can't control- the standards you can't live up to, the best friend you let down, the friend that died and the past that haunts you.

You can ask Him to squeeze out the burden that lays so heavily on your heart. Let Him squeeze out all the bad and place it in the wrath of his hands where it can't hurt you any longer.

THEN YOU CAN REST.

You can rest, because God has EVERYTHING- all your burdens, your future and your past- in His hands.

You can sleep well tonight, baby girl, because there is nothing to worry about. God is holding you in His arms so do not worry about the seemingly impossible week ahead. Don't let the guilt or pain keep you up all night. Rest in His arms.

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?"

Mathew 6:25-27

Does this mean you can sit on the sidelines for the rest of your life and continue to make mistakes that negatively affect you and those around you? ABSOLUTELY NOT. After you accept the things you can't control, you take a good look at your inward, wayward self and let GOD change your bad attitude, kill the materialistic strongholds in your life, clean your dirty mind, change your pessimistic ways and transform your crooked heart into something beautiful. Then and then can you find purpose in your life.

"A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh."

Ezekiel 36:26

Men.

I want to be able to finally get up off my stupid bedroom floor and look in the mirror and believe that some man out there could love the girl in the reflection. That there is a perfect guy she can relate too- confide in- love with all her heart- have deep conversations with… and won’t unexpectedly get up and walk away for no good reason.  


God, be my man. Be my rock. Let me lean on you. 
Kill my loneliness. Kill my pessimism. Kill my anger.

My mind

I keep changing my mind. I want to leave, but I want to stay home. I want to move on, but I want to fix what is broken. I want to meet new people, but I don't want to leave those friends who mean the world to me. I want closure, but I want to keep holding on to hope.

More that anything, I want answers.

Have you ever had a panic attack?

Right now. Right here at only 8 weeks till my high school career is over.. I am hyperventilating. I'm losing it- I really am.
I'm trying to figure out my dreams... plan out my life, my career. But  have absolutely no idea what to be.... So I am going to write a list of all the things I want to do. Hopefully that will make me feel better.. Cause right now I feel like I'm trying to run straight, but end up running in circles...

I want to learn to sail a boat... I know that has nothing to do with my future career plans, but I can't see any kind of future career plan in this fog of emotions.. so I want to sail a boat.

I want to go to Scotland.

I want to help the kids in Africa.

I want to go on several mission trips.

I want to write a complete book and get it published.

I want to get married and be madly in love.

I want to grow SO MUCH closer to God.

I want to have at least 4 kids... Okay, maybe six.. Or more.

I want to learn Greek and Spanish.

I want to adopt kids.

I want a garden.

I want to see a revival in the country.


... Okay. I just got convicted.. I have a lot of selfish "wants" in my life. God, change me into a selfless person.