My mind

I keep changing my mind. I want to leave, but I want to stay home. I want to move on, but I want to fix what is broken. I want to meet new people, but I don't want to leave those friends who mean the world to me. I want closure, but I want to keep holding on to hope.

More that anything, I want answers.

Have you ever had a panic attack?

Right now. Right here at only 8 weeks till my high school career is over.. I am hyperventilating. I'm losing it- I really am.
I'm trying to figure out my dreams... plan out my life, my career. But  have absolutely no idea what to be.... So I am going to write a list of all the things I want to do. Hopefully that will make me feel better.. Cause right now I feel like I'm trying to run straight, but end up running in circles...

I want to learn to sail a boat... I know that has nothing to do with my future career plans, but I can't see any kind of future career plan in this fog of emotions.. so I want to sail a boat.

I want to go to Scotland.

I want to help the kids in Africa.

I want to go on several mission trips.

I want to write a complete book and get it published.

I want to get married and be madly in love.

I want to grow SO MUCH closer to God.

I want to have at least 4 kids... Okay, maybe six.. Or more.

I want to learn Greek and Spanish.

I want to adopt kids.

I want a garden.

I want to see a revival in the country.


... Okay. I just got convicted.. I have a lot of selfish "wants" in my life. God, change me into a selfless person.

Isolation.

I need to be alone to think about life. Have you ever felt depressed for no reason? Have you ever felt like you are not yourself? Like life is just moving too fast and you don't know where you are mentally? ...I'm so confused about who I am that I feel physically sick.
I just really needed to be alone today.

I just need a big fat hug and a "Everything's gonna be alright, baby girl."

I want to run away really, really bad.

Let's Talk.

“Man is a narcissistic species by nature. We have colonized the four corners of our tiny planet. But we are not the pinnacle of so-called evolution. That honor belongs to the lowly cockroach. Capable of living for months without food. Remaining alive headless for weeks at a time. Resistant to radiation. If God has indeed created himself in his own image, then I submit to you that God is a cockroach. They say that man uses only a tenth of his brain power. Another percent, and we might actually be worthy of God’s image. Unless, of course, that day has already arrived. The human genome project has discovered that tiny variations in man’s genetic code are taking place at increasingly rapid rates. Teleportation, levitation, tissue regeneration. Is this outside the realm of possibility? Or is man entering a new gateway to evolution? Is he finally standing at the threshold to true human potential?” - Heroes

According to this, “Man only uses a tenth of his brain power. Another percent and we might actually be worthy of God’s image,” we can evolve into greater and better beings. We can be God- or our minds have the ability to BE God. Which means that the smarter you are the more evolved you are… the closer to God you are… If this is all true (a lot of people believe it is) then that means whoever is closest to “being” God should be our leader, god, president, etc. Survival of the fittest. That’s what evolution is about: finding the smartest and strongest person to be our Hero- our leader. Therefore if the “pinnacle of evolution” is the cockroach, according to Evolution (what a lot of people believe), the cockroach is our god. The cockroaches are better than humans. ..

I don’t know about you, but I can step on a cockroach…. So obviously that creature is not the best choice for our god at this moment.. maybe if we give it more time to evolve it’ll have its chance.

Let’s talk about humans. Who is the “fairest” of them all? Who has the brains to get our Country on its feet again. Apparently the president does, seeing as the majority of Americans thought he was the best candidate for the job. Is Obama the closest to god? Or Bush? .. Or was Hitler? He was elected too.. Look what happened there. If Obama or Bush or whoever is the best- the most fully evolved- we’ve got to be running our country then they are the one(s) who is expected to save us.

They are the only ones who have the brains to fix the problem in Iraq, fix our debt, end world hunger, make sure it’s safe for you to sleep at night, bring justice, bring peace, etc. If they are smarter than you and evolution/survival of the fittest is true, then they are your god. They are who you need to put your trust in, because after all you’re not the “pinnacle of evolution”.

If you believe in evolution (no other higher power than what has evolved on earth) than your only hope for saving is the ideas of Barack Obama… or a cockroach. There isn’t really anything or anyone better on Earth (Well, the former is debatable depending on your views of intelligence.)

Anyways… I’d love to hear what people think about this. Pro Evolution? Or not? Who do you put your hope in? Why? Seriously, I want to know. I won’t yell or “force/shove my opinion in your face.” I just want to talk.

Books, books and books.

I am determined to finish writing a book by December. My only problem is: I have to figure out which one to finish.. Oh, and my procrastination problem. That's a pretty big road block... Anyways, I want to be able to say I COMPLETED something. Too many times, I have started something but never finished. I do not want the same thing to happen to my books.

I have some pretty good ideas (in my opinion) and I want them on paper. I know I'm not the best in the world, but practice makes perfect, right? Besides, how will I know what I am capable if I don't try? So this is me- I'm trying.